masks

Masked, I advance. – René Descartes

Just like distance masks the imperfections of the moon in the beautiful night sky, so do the masks we carry each day that conceal everything we suppress. Our masks conceal the ugly parts of our emotions, our anxieties, our thoughts.

We mask insecurities, low self-esteems, low confidence, the side of us that overthinks, and the list goes on.

The masks we wear grow as we grow up and go through life. Scarily, it only ever seems to accumulate.

Growing up,

I took the blame, deserving or not.

I lost a friend to another, and she stabbed me in the back. I was 10.

I was mentally bullied, but I believe in karma, and being bullied was karma for my actions when I was very little.

I did not consistently score better grades than my sibling ultimately. And I felt dumb.

I put in more effort, to achieve of what someone achieved with less effort. But I should comfort myself that I have it better than someone else.

I was used. But I let myself, I mean we’ve all used someone at some point right? Maybe I was used a lot.

I tried defending myself, and maybe the person was a great manipulator, but maybe I’m just a terrible person.

Growing up, I was just insecure.

Growing up, I learnt to mask my insecurities.

This is when the feeling sinks in. Nights like this I feel this overwhelming wave of emotions.

I’d say I’m overthinking, and tell myself how selfish it was to think this way. But really, am I overthinking?

Nights like this I try to think of someone who showed me love. I cannot think of anyone, and I realize I’ve never truly felt loved in my life.

How could I? I haven’t even learned to love myself.

I conceal my feelings with this carefree-looking mask, and find comfort in writing and music.

I don’t think I’m alone, and I hope writing how I feel lets you know you’re not alone either.

When days like this hit, and we finally put down our masks when we’re alone, we shatter.

Had we brought it all upon ourselves?

Should I have never defended myself? Should I have backed down and listened?

Was I selfish to have been tired for being tired of someone else’s problems that I deal with ever so often?

Was I a very bad friend so she left?

Was I really so much less of a brain?

Am I really deserving of the mental fear after karma struck and I was bullied?

Am I really such an insignificant friend or am I just overthinking?

Or do I just have a terrible personality.

These masks we put up grows on us and one day when we decide we are brave enough to take it off for good, we may have lost part of us to these emotions we feel daily.

It is only now that I understand this quote.

We all wear masks, and the time comes when we cannot remove them without removing some of our own skin. – André Berthiaume

As time passes, i grow to see myself as undeserving.

What an absolutely terrible thing to feel, to feel undeserving.

In the end, most of us never tell our stories we mask. No one is coming to save us, and it is only up to us to save ourselves.

Question is: Are we ever going to drop this mask and save ourselves?

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I like to write when I'm struck with emotions.

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